Space, the final frontier…
These are the voyages of the Critter Room Starship “Enterprise”..(Captain Mordoc at the helm)
Captain’s log, Stardate 2421.9. We’ve been over two months in the white nebula, and there is still no end in sight. Crew morale is at an all time low and tempers are beginning to fray. Only this morning, my Science Officer bit me on the foot. I pray for an end to this featureless expanse and our return to blackness of normal space. Our time here has not been without incident, though, as these extracts from the ship’s records will show:
Stardate 2421.1: We are imprisoned in some kind of alien penitentiary. I cannot see my shipmates and I am being force fed on some kind of rich nutritional supplement, which is keeping me subdued, so they can work their evil machinations upon me. I am awaiting the arrival of The Giant Claw, which comes every day to scoop me high into the air and dangle me over a chasm, before dropping me unfeelingly onto cold, hard metal. A mechanical voice spits out meaningless numbers, before the claw grabs me again and I am returned to my cell. However, little do they know that I am getting stronger. I will bide my time until I am ready to fight back. My crew will help me. We will prevail!
Stardate 2421.2: I regret to report that I have had to quell an insurrection led by First Officer Kayleb. He says that he is not an android. I informed him that he is a funny shape and therefore he must be. Failure to respect the chain of command incurs the most severe punishment, so I sat on him.
Stardate 2421.3: We have escaped the penitentiary. For some unknown reason, The Giant Claw has turned on its masters and thrown open the gates of our prison. We stumble, gratefully towards freedom, leaving The Claw to battle to the death with its evil overlords. I fear no-one will be left alive. However, the Prime Directive forbids us to interfere in the affairs of other cultures, which is quite handy really, because it looks really cool out here.
Stardate 2421.4: I have today had to put down another mutiny, this time by Science Officer Elinora, who demanded to know who had put me in charge in a most insubordinate fashion. I accused her of having ideas above her station and failing to obey a direct order from a superior officer. She made a rude noise and went and sat in the litter box.
Stardate 2421.5: Science Officer Elinora has been attacked by Klingons! She got one on her foot and managed to spread it all over the floor. I sound red alert as we all try to bury it.
Stardate 2421.6: The encounter we’ve been dreading the most since we left spacedock. Yes…(pause for dramatic effect)…THE BORG! I don’t know how it got onto the ship un-noticed, but, as my head of security, Tactical Officer Shara will have a lot of difficult questions to answer. It was enormous and terrifying – neither man nor machine. It had cybernetic eyepieces and a strange sort of fibrous insulating material above its mouth, presumably to stop its face from catching fire. It came in among us but seemed to only want to observe us, then it removed matter from our litter box, presumably so it can sample our DNA. Before it departed, I’m sure I heard it say “You will be stimulated. Sisters are futile”. I am backed up in this by First Officer Kayleb, who says it might be an evil alien but it makes a good point, but the girls think I must’ve misheard. More insubordination! I will remove their holodeck privileges.
Stardate 2421.7: My Tactical Officer is sulking. I pushed her through the hole in the floor of the bridge, but I am the Captain and I can do what I like. I’ll probably apologise to her later. The ship needs her Tactical Officer.
Stardate 2421.8: We have Trouble With Tribbles. Oh yes! Someone (ahem!) brought one on board without my knowledge. My Science Officer made a brave attempt to kill it but was obviously not successful, because now the place is littered with them. It should be the Tactical Officer’s job to remove alien intruders from the ship, but sadly she is still not speaking to me. I was going to apologise to her for the hole incident, but I’m afraid I pounced on her tail instead. I don’t know what came over me.
Stardate 2421.9: Today. I have to go – Mum wants to talk to us. I have a feeling we’re about to boldly go where no kitten has gone before.
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