Of a toothsome maiden, pure and fair
With eyes of green and auburn hair
But a heart of stone and will of steel
Before whom lovelorn knights would kneel

To no avail, for to win her heart
Her knight should be a man apart
And prove to her that he’s the best
By embarking on a reckless quest.

So brave Sir Ash, the Tuxedo Knight
A handsome cat, but not so bright
Agreed to do as she desired –
A confrontation was required…

So, as the dawn rose in the East
He rode out to slay the Gnarly Beast
With no assistance, save his page…
His groom, his cook, his mystic sage,

His favourite hawk upon his sleeve
And don’t forget his best mate, Steve,
A guard, in case of stealth attack,
His favourite mousie in his pack

A hundred cans of Fancy Feast
A pound or two of ‘nip at least
His water bowl and fluffy bed
A pillow for his weary head…

But, three hours out, down came the rain
His entourage went home again.
And, left alone, in god knows where
His maiden didn’t seem so fair.

His voice cried out in pained remorse
“I can’t believe I’m on this horse!”
The beast stopped still and turned her head
“I’m not so thrilled myself” she said

“Now, where is it you want to go?”
He had to admit, he didn’t know
“I’ve never seen the Gnarly Beast..
Where does it sleep, where does it feast?

I have to think this quest has failed
I’m soaking wet and my crew has bailed.
They’ve taken all the food and ‘nip
I’m going in here to have a kip”

He walked inside a cavern’s mouth
He yawned and stretched, then headed south,
But, in the middle of the night
He was woken by an eerie light

The Gnarly Beast was standing near
It sensed his shock, it smelled his fear
He drew his sword and stood up tall…
He didn’t fancy her at all..

She dropped her dinner down her dress
Her red hair was an awful mess
Her conversation made him bored
She couldn’t play the harpsichord…

The Beast drew near, its eyes aflame
With foul breath that could stop a train.
He stared into that ravening maw
And held up a defensive paw…

The Beast struck out, its jaws held wide
And sucked the hapless knight inside
And as into its throat he slid
He thought..”Steve owes me fifty quid…”

He raised his head, all bleary-eyed
And looked around and peered outside.
No talking horse, no beast to battle
Instead the skyline of Seattle.

The clink of plates, the smell of meat
It’s time to find himself a treat.
He knows that, in reality,
“The only ravening beast is me..”